How to Read Horror and Survive Unscathed

Lately life hasn't gone quite as I wanted to. Things aren't bad, per se, though today is a big day for my family and, depending on the outcome, it'll mean if all this mess was worth it or not. I'm in for a super happy year, or a super depressing month...

Anyway, nothing like a little of humor to lighten the spirit, right? So, it was with this in mind that I wrote the following rules on How to Read a Horror Novel and Survive Unscathed. Now, unscathed may not be a realistic expectation. Every good horror author would hate to know you are not sleeping with your lights on after reading their work, but we'll shoot for nightmare-clear nights. Okay? Then, fasten your seat belts 'cause here we go.

General Amusement Safety Tips When Reading a Horror 

• Read posted rules thoroughly and follow all restrictions issued by ride's operator (read author).
• Keep all body parts (hands, arms, legs, long hair, etc.) inside ride at all times. If you have long hair, put it up. Ride's operator is not responsible for feelings of being observed, getting the heebie-jeebies, or getting your hair pulled by an unseen hand.
• Always use safety equipment (sign of the cross, praying of your selection, rent a comedy to watch before bedtime). Safety equipment not provided by ride's operator.
• Hold onto hand rails (read comic relief/romance scenes). These are part of the safety equipment designed to keep you from flipping out, and the appointed moment to go grab a sandwich.
• Remain in the ride until it comes to a full stop at the unloading point. If a ride stops temporarily due to mechanical failure, say a blackout, do not panic. Stay seated and wait for the lights to come up again. It's not like a monster is living under your bed. Though I would keep my feet inside the covers.
• Stop riding before you get excessively tired to avoid nightmares. Then come back first thing in the morning.
• Never ride under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Hallucinations have an acute murderous tendency when under the influence of horror.
• Participate responsibly; you should be in good health to ride safely. If you suspect your health could be at risk or aggravated by riding, DO NOT READ!

I hope you have as much fun reading these as I had writing them. Remember, horror is safe, as long as you don't read out loud those incantations.

Now, go read something!